Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Ok but actually
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.