Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.