i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one