I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You Might Also Like
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.