The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.