I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?