For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
This took me a second..
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
just pretend nothing happened
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.