♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.