Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Lol.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*