Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.