Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
my mind
You just read my mind
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.