I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Butt weight. There’s more!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]