the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
is this how new cars are made??