[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I’m having an out of money experience.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?