Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
termite twitter scares me
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜