If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Breaking news:
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab