A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
mom had nothing to worry about
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages