Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means