Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
All generalizations are stupid.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better