People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”