I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?