Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.