*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
A drum solo but on your face.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”