We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
marvel comics have peaked
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”