I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”