I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
it be like that
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Every damn time