My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.