KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.