I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
constantly working on myself.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings