They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
There’s always that one guy
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?