Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing