If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now