What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car