Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
looks legit
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders