I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.