Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.