Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’