My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending