I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
You Might Also Like
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*