Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.