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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites