My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
mom gave me mine for free
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
next level snooze
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”