The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I self medicate, therefore you live.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You are not alone 💚
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile