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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
#catsoftwitter
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.