Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Wake me when AI does housework
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall