I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Does it…does it take 3 days
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)