Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.