[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.