Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
But I really needed water water water
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea