My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
God has left this place
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?